Sunday, 12 October
There is no winning -indifference or normality doesn't feel right,it somehow undermines your pain,your extraordinary state of being at this particular time; equally, being handled with gloves, and constantly talking about it is tiresome as you feel the need to assure everyone that you know what is happening to you and that you understand this is a temporary state, that you will be OK..eventually. The worse kind of empathy - which stems from the best intentions, is thrown at you in personal stories of people who try to relate to you and talk about their losses. They inadvertently compare your situation to yours and you start to as well and empathy for you at this point is a depleting resource. You listen quietly, "empathising", but actually you would rather shout - my pain is worse,my loss is greater, no, GREATEST.
You will know the people you want to talk to - they somehow give you insight, put things into perspective, but most of all, listen to you when you want to talk about it and otherwise treat you naturally and you feel natural around them. They are in tune with you, somehow, they sense you and respond perfectly. They might be the ones you've known since you were a kid, or those whom you've just met and you felt friendship at first sight with, or the ones you would've least expected to get you, or those who have gone through something similar and in a subdued voice simply say I know and nothing more. You will find yourself looking for the company of those who can help you decipher the meaning of it all. I found them - they were the ones I called straight away , after my brain finally managed to process the words Scott's been killed and they saved my mind.
I am unashamed when it comes to my emotions, very analytical, self-critical, yet not at all judgemental - I will talk to anyone and sometimes in a matter-of-fact manner, which simply stuns people; I observed myself doing so after my mum died, when trying to explain the context of some particular time frame. I make people feel awkward and I am awkward about receiving their sympathy because with the passing of time, I am more and more reluctant to open the wound again but the scar tissue is there and begs an explanation, while I am perfectly aware that is part of me, part of my normality and my evolution.
Pain is not a licence to be mean, inconsiderate and selfish but the tendency sometimes is to feel entitled or to indulge and you start to slip into and unhealthy and ugly phase. I get angry at myself whenever I give into these feelings and no matter how many people tell me it's OK, understandable and forgiveable, I still believe it's not and must put more effort into controlling it.
My father has lost his partner of 30 years last year, the one he built a family with and his whole life around and he's now not old, nor young, surrounded by family and friends but with little hope that he will have a partner again,let alone love. He keeps saying to me you have to get over it, understand you're hurting him and yourself by holding on and you know very well there is nothing we can do to bring them back. It's the second time I've shouted at him I CAN'T GET OVER IT! It's been three weeks. He is at a loss, trying to explain that he meant I must look after my health and that who, if not him can understand me better? I feel like an ungrateful little bitch. I call him and apologise, crying, saying I love you and he says don't be silly, I'm just concerned about you, you are all I have..what would happen to me if anything happened to you?
On the other hand, three days after he had died I was told that this was in some way, a lesson for me, a warning sign that I have to correct some errors in my life, that this must be why such horrible things happen to me, I was recommended confessing my sins, consulting a priest, or a medium, or both ... feel free to be brutally dismissive of such tremendous and dangerous stupidity. Or of anything you feel is.
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