On love, monks and an algorithm that works

Wednesday, 15 October and Sunday, 19 October

To be read while listening to https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=etta+james+sunday+kind+of+love

I'm struggling to grasp the nature of love, in fact, the entire concept and most of all its should be manifestation. How can I not when I would fall asleep listening the story of everlasting, ever-enduring, ever-conquering love, meant for one person and one alone, strong enough to defeat illness, evil, sorcery and death. Night after night, in a bedtime ritual that had my sister and I safely snuggled up and my mother young, beautiful, married to my father, reading to us, I was making my mind up about love - it was going to be a magical affair and it was going to last.

My first heart break knocked the wind out of me; the love was an infatuation and it was magical, but lasted only two weeks. So I changed one of the parameters and decided that I liked the magic, but I can't rely on it lasting. That's when I became passionate, expressive, wild in my love affairs, looking for and giving the kind of consuming love, the real love, where you feel one with the other. But the time horizon stayed abstract, yet very palpably trapped in a near future; I started reading more serious love stories, of terrible pain, disappointment, complexity, fear and disillusion and decided to call myself a commitment freak. I saw it as an attractive feature because it translated into being independent, granting freedom - sometimes too much or in a borderline pathological way, requiring freedom - sometimes in a savage, impatient way. I was never going to be needy, clingy, mushy, or in fact pretty much anything ending in "y".

I'm struggling with the idea and ideal of happiness because my hedonistic nature is pushing back hard against new paths I'm exploring at this time and circumstances in my life. I'm turning, or trying to turn more towards the dimensions of mindfulness - the present, letting go but not disengaging, being aware of one's thoughts but not consciously attempting to change them, peace of mind. But even the word itself - minndFULLness is problematic to me - it is a contradiction, and not just in terms, but even more dangerous - in terms and action, or lack thereof. You are required to think your thoughts away - to observe your mind's products and allow them to fade away. I've been riding the wave of passion in my life and learned to surf it skilfully; I've been admired and have admired people for their passion and hand on heart, have never heard anyone remarking in awe he/she is so wonderfully composed and subdued - that's so hot! 

I've never linked love to possession, yet cannot construct it without attachment. You love someone, live with and alongside someone with all that it means, from the nooks in their body that give you the rest you need, to the joy or pain you would only truly feel for yourself. How then, can you not get attached, while still loving them like that ? I don't only get attached to the person, I am terribly attached to the idea of attachment itself! How can I be passionately unattached? Is it really a trade-off or is the dynamic above my level of understanding at this point in my life?

I am perfectly, painfully and hopefully aware that all states we find ourselves in are temporary. I understand it as it is meant - not in the sceptical, bitter way of there being no point in looking for that connection and that relationship which will last and fulfil,  but that my own state of being at a given time will change and there is no need, no way and no desire to be instrumental in the process. In fact, it's precisely inaction that best equips you to navigate life, by letting go - being unattached.

I can play with these notions better when it comes to negative feelings of pain, fear or doubt and less or almost not all with the states of bliss, happiness, excitement. It's natural - I need to DEAL with these feelings and ENJOY the others...everything in between, is severely understated and wrongfully taken for granted. It seems like the itinerary of a train, with stations of pain and happiness, with the expectation that they follow in an orderly fashion, happiness after pain and even if a bit harder to swallow, pain after happiness. And then comes the great shock to the system when they don't play ball.

Unfortunately, I've not had the chance to read or talk about this with a practitioner that wasn't a monk, a social recluse - a typical pater familias or a mother. On the other hand, I have had the very great fortune of talking to a couple who are still incredibly harmonious and in love after more than 20 years of LIFE, who have formed a harmonious family and who are harmonious individuals. And they are very much attached to all that their LIFE is.

So as a conclusion, I end this tirade with a thought that has absolutely no reference to any of the above, but resonates with me and it's simple - find someone with whom you can laugh about anything, and everything will be fine.